Prenuptial Agreements: Hot or Not?

Relationships today present more opportunities as more women are taking advantage of resources that enable them to engage more competently with their male counterparts. As the dynamics of family life have morphed within the past three decades, it is clearly apparent that women are also breadwinners in their families’ as well strong contributors to their relationships.    It is common yet not unheard of that couples that are intending to get married will entertain a prenuptial agreement.  A prenuptial agreement is a legal document that protects the assets & rights of the initiating party, or both parties, in case the couple chooses to divorce later in time.    Traditionalists view prenuptial agreements as a blasphemous benefit that is already preparing the couple in question to split up hence making it appear that it's not a matter of if they will split up, where as it's a matter of when they split up.   
Proponents of this agreement feel it is an amicable option for both individuals to consider before getting married for one never knows what the future holds. If there is a disparity of income among couples, if one individual owns more valuable assets or even if one wants their marital rights stated in writing, it is not a bad idea to entertain a prenuptial agreement.  Whether one feels such agreements are romantic or not, both individuals will have to address these practical matters sooner or later. Some may get offended and feel their devotion to their partner is being questioned, only considering a prenuptial agreement should not be taken personally, it should be addressed similarly to everyday business.   The intent of sharing the following example is not to equate people and their emotions to being treated like objects though there is a similar notion of one protecting themselves. If an individual purchases a new car along with car insurance, the intent there is to protect the car if something happens to it. Like wise, people who choose to purchase health insurance do so in order to protect themselves if an emergency takes place.  Similarly, a prenuptial agreement exists to protect individuals in a marriage. It is an optional item to consider when making preparations for one's marriage.  Having one doesn't guarantee that the marriage will be more successful than going without it, though it does offer a peace of mind among the couple where there are less worries over protecting assets thus freeing their energy to be invested in enriching their relationship.

Prisoner's Dilemma in Relationships

Among all relationships, there comes a time when two people come to a standstill because there are stuck in a 'prisoner's dilemma'. The prisoner's dilemma in love is depicted in a scenario where it's best for both partners to agree in order to avoid confrontation that leads to further discord in the relationship. If one partner is open to negotiating and disclosing their confession (reservations one may have in the relationship), this brave partner has better chances of avoiding future relationship conflict without feeling imprisoned to tolerate their partner's behavior. Likewise, the other partner in the relationship has a similar option to confess thus alleviating the tension within the relationship.
So why is it that neither partner will come clean with one another regarding the state of their relationship? If the lady is intending to confess but she chooses not to, this is because she isn't sure that the man will follow her lead to confess too.

Courtesy of Paul GoodChild, Life in Balance

The lovers may reason that they should not confess because if they do--their partner will not confess if granted a second opportunity. This reasoning isn't quite logical because for every opportunity that is presented to each partner to confess, the stakes are higher as the benefits of confessing increase yet so does the punishment that will keep continue undermining the harmonious state of their relationship. Overall these lovers will either engage in cooperative or non cooperative bargaining. If they engage in cooperation, at least one of them believes in the betterment for all by cutting their losses short and moving on. It is possible that one may engage in noncooperation, where this lover is bidding their time by acting selfish in the relationship to serve their own interests. It cannot be generalized that women are more prone to cooperating in dating and relationship conflict versus their counterparts who are possibly holding back in order to win such "power wars". In such non cooperative instances, one acknowledges how intelligent these lovers are while learning how far they will go to achieve their own goals.
Prisoner's dilemma has been around for decades where peoples' intent and motives are tested to address societal norms from a local and global perspective. If one is faced with similar dilemmas in greater frequencies, it is possible that over time both partners will cooperate for the right reason. This theory also analyzes the disparity that addresses why one may 'intend' to do one thing yet result participating in another act. Please note the term 'confessions' in this message is applied to address reservations that surface within romantic relationships, it is not relayed in the form of a negative connotation. Ms. Wake Up is not encouraging her audience to play games in their love lives; instead she wants her audience to realize that sooner or later in all relationships---communication--is a must. In relationships both partners must acknowledge telepathy is not valid, one must voice their needs and concerns in order to move past them. Now if one partner is guarded to acknowledge his or her reality, perhaps it is time to move on.  Ms. Wake Up knows there are some lovers who will only engage in non cooperative bargaining, apparently that has lead those lovers to the destination of n-o-w-h-e-r-e.


If one is not up for playing rounds of prisoner's dilemma, it is better to either come clean or just move on in love. If the mutual respect is not there, what makes one think that waiting a bit longer will change that? First impressions are the last impression in love. What you see is what you get. If a man or woman tells you upfront what they are seeking with you but refuse to invest their efforts, let them go--a relationship that starts with a lie always ends with the truth.
Avoiding reality and a modest dialogue with a partner itself is an act relaying "I don't want anything to do with you."
Now, are YOU ready to confess?

Crossing Paths at Match.com

It is amazing that millions of people from all over the world engage in online dating with the intent of finding the right partner(s) for them.  It is challenging to meet people at times if one is a working professional committed to forwarding their career, an individual living in limited proximity to large cities where diversity is present and for many others who are just exploring their options in the world of dating and relationships.   One site that enables people to fulfill their wish to meet their potential mates is match.com.  Having cruised through this site in my past--several years ago, I was fortunate enough to meet interesting people while engaging in social activities that I would probably have passed by if it were not for them.  I was fortunate to meet a professional writer for the Financial Times, another writer from a national magazine, a passionate musician who played exclusively for former President Bush Jr. in the White House, a comedian and an artist, a basketball fan who got me front side seats and other characters who challenged me to grow by learning more about life through new experiences.   In order to be successful in seeking like minded people, have a clear intent in mind and articulate effectively when creating your profile.  There are many questions, activities and open ended statements that grant one access to displaying their personality in the best light possible. Match.com is one of the largest vendors in the dating world where their presence invites people of all cultures, faiths and lifestyles.  Remember to keep it light, fun AND honest.   Interested readers can follow up on tips for writing an effective dating profile; as well with advice for online dating. Remember he may not be Mr. Right, though he may be Mr. Right Now.  Good luck in your search!

Is Sexting Considered Cheating?

Men and women do yearn for a thrill when they are dating and engaging in relationships--ok--so most of us can relate to that at some point in time.   Whether there are two people willing to shoot an intimate video during their horizontal tango, ménage-a-tois or solo act, there will "always" be a voyeur ready to sell you out. This voyeur may even include yourself!  It is not a matter of if, it is more so a matter of when.  The timer starts ticking the moment one releases such energy into the universe and then disperses these snippets into main stream media.    Look at Anthony Weiner for example, I was aware he was guilty of such an act because his energy just reeks of guilt.

Does this fiasco make Weiner a bad man? No 

Does it make him appear stupid? Oh very much so.   Regardless to what degree he disclosed himself to his cyber ladies, this doesn't negate the fact that he crossed boundaries outside of his marriage.

People in committed relationships endure ramifications of infidelity when they choose to get emotionally involved with another person, act upon their physical desires, sexting (text messaging with sexual references) outside of their present relationship with a spouse or date, kissing (yes, kissing is cheating's cousin) and any behaviors that seek attention & affection from outside the individual's immediate relationship.   It's common for couples to engage in such behaviors "within" their relationship where they are honoring one another and not committing these acts outside of their relationship. Still there is this danger of documented behaviors behind closed doors that come to see the light of day, again--it is only a matter of time.  There is nothing private now a days, not even your sex life.    To some degree, men and women do allude to their intimate life when he or she needs validation that their behaviors are normal, or per se more creative than the couple next door.   Remember...at the end of the day, every best friend has a best friend.

Either one person will 'hear' about your activities while the lucky (or so not lucky) audience members will 'see' these acts being replayed all over the place.   Trust me, it is a small world.   

It's not as Weiner needed more publicity for his political career, the act itself is not a fair representation of his competency to serve the state of New York. However his reaction to when the scandal broke and how he addressed the matter clearly depicts that he will lie his way through anything until he realizes he will be caught anyway. It is his lying that hasn't sat well among his followers.  This is probably one of his behaviors that have surfaced at this moment in time.   His energy speaks volumes and I do not feel there are just a few of these audience members that have gotten hold of his bulge, or as his friend Jon Stewart commented regarding Weiner's twitpic that there is a lot of Anthony in there yet not much Weiner.   I can only imagine how Stewart will greet Weiner the next time they meet. Regardless of their takes on this, Stewart does come off as a genuine friend of Weiner's who will hopefully enlighten Weiner how to keep his legs crossed when alone.   Boys will be boys, though some boys need to be publicly humiliated to learn a good lesson. 

Was Weiner aware that what he was doing wrong? I am confident 99% he knew he was taking a risk.   

Does he fear the consequences? Yes  

Will he pull through out of this? Yes although it may take a few 6-9 months for him to recover.

What was the wifes reaction?  Probably horrified and ready to shove that phone up his...

As a proud Democrat, will Weiner win back my support? Hmm, not until I see a twitpic that i approve of  :)

Until next time, control the bulge and make sure when you get a request for a head shot--it's not for the head south of the border!

Ooh, "She's a Man Eater"

The One that Got Away

There is no introduction needed for this topic since the first thought that pops into our minds upon reading the title is of a loved one who somehow slipped through our fingers and ultimately out of sight.   This someone was the special person in one's life that basically got away.   Chances are high the person who let them get away is still emotional over this reality and wondering where their beloved is today. A common question I receive is, “why would a person let a loved one get away”?   Well, the best way to discover the answer was by interviewing some men and women (10 men, 10 women) who acknowledged having a love in their life whom they had let 'get away'.   

Four out of ten men admitted they were emotionally immature while they were courting their special partner to even realize what was happening to them in their personal life.  Three men admitted being married to their careers while the latter three as well confessed to taking their partner for granted.    When asked if and how these men would have addressed this dilemma differently, seven men claimed to reconsider their decision to walk away from their partner, per se letting the 'one get away'.   The remaining three men felt that everything happens for a reason therefore there is no need to regret the past and its ramifications.    

When the women were asked the same questions, they appeared more reminiscent of their dating experiences.    Six out of ten women admitted they were ready to commit to their partner if their partner offered long-term commitment to them, while the latter four delivered different feedback.  Two women took responsibility for being overbearing that when they let their love 'get away' while they didn't want to complicate things further by asking for another chance.  Surprisingly, one women acknowledged she was not worthy of being granted a second chance.   Meanwhile the other two women felt that one cannot make their love stay if they were already determined to check out of the relationship. 

The interesting part of my conversation with these candidates verified one consistent theme--all of these candidates strongly believed they let a great person get away.  While one cannot control the universe,   twelve out of the twenty candidates were lucky to find love again.  This time these twelve members chose to work harder to sustain a relationship after acknowledging their short comings the first time around.  

This exercise makes one wonder how often does the universe grant people a second chance at love.   It all comes down to being open to new opportunities, wherever and whenever, more so with whomever.

Fortunate are those who receive second chances because second chances are not granted, they are earned. 

*Demographics of candidates for this study are the following: 10 men and 10 women between the ages of 34 and 52.  Prerequisite to qualify for survey: candidates have dated long-term (at least 12 months) and/or engaged in relationships for at least three years (36 months).

What Does 'Taking a Break' in Dating Mean?

During Christina and Paul's time together in their three-year relationship, both of them have encountered life's greatest moments along with relationship hurdles that both have successfully overcome. Acknowledging that this couple has weathered through the growing pains of developing a new relationship, it only seems practical for one to think that marriage may be around the corner. Friends of this couple envy Christina and Paul's chemistry together, their lifestyle and their comfort level around one another. What people do not know about this glamorous couple is that they are actually contemplating 'taking a break'? Excuse me, what? What does exactly 'taking a break mean'? Countless stories swirl around of couples that appear content that choose to take time apart from one another.

A hopeless romantic would ask themselves, "Can't Christina and Paul just take a few days apart, such as a vacation, if either one is yearning for physical and mental space?" A skeptic would probably think, "I knew something was up because their dating life appeared too good to be true." Of course the cynic would say, "Told you so," with their eyes rolling as this news is an everyday occurrence. Here are few possible reasons why some couples may consider taking a break:

* It is only natural that people evolve with time and experiences that one may want to reassess what they want in life. Spending time alone only reinforces their inner needs and wants.
* Some individuals become too dependent upon their partner that they need to reclaim their independence and identity.
* Life presents some insurmountable challenges within and outside the relationship that one must question what is a deal breaker in a relationship (finances, no marriage in sight, infidelity, addiction, etc.).
* Third parties (past lovers, new lovers, family) intruding into the couples' personal life starts taking its toll on the relationship where trust and values are in question.
* Basically taking a 'time out' of a relationship forces individuals to grow on their own rather than being associated under one character (morphing into one personality, one belief system, identity.)

Is 'taking a break' a new fad? Not really. It some cases 'taking a break' can save a relationship than the couple suddenly giving up on it. More so this break enables a couple from slowing down a relationship that is moving too fast since such relationships burn out fast due to lack of nurturing, which only comes with time. In other cases it is necessary to address any concerns existing in a relationship so the relationship can move accordingly forward or cease in time. It is up to the individual to decide how they will capitalize upon the time available; as well how to move forward with new realizations during their time apart from their partner.
What behaviors are permissible while 'taking a break'? This is to be addressed by the couple who decides to take time apart whether it is intended to be temporary or meant to be permanent. Some couples explicitly state that they do not want their partner dating others or engaging in romantic liaisons, making major life decisions without the partner's input, interacting with the partner's family and more. To the contrary, there are couples that abruptly decide to take a break thus yielding a very ambiguous situation where the partners have not addressed what are the relationship deal breakers while spending time apart.

Overall taking a break encourages a couple to reassess themselves, their relationship and life overall.

* Warning: Think twice before taking a break because some people may never return from this break!

Calling Men-Lay Off the Dialing

Women have it in their DNA that they must be acknowledged AND this must be done on their time-not the man's, not the universe's; not even their mother's. One common challenge that women battle is communicating with their man, whether she is dating him or in a relationship, it appears women need to be more self-aware of how and when they approach their partners. Society and media infiltrates our mind with notions that Men are from Mars while Women are from Venus; therefore this spoon-feeding of battle of the sexes will not cease until humans transform their habits in the world of communication.

Though men and women coexist, it is obvious we still have not mastered how to address one another. This is not necessarily in regards to respecting one another; in fact this is in regards to space recognition and perception. It is no secret women are more likely to pick up that phone and start dialing away until they reach their men on the other end. It can be texting, calling, leaving messages--basically inundating his phone with her energy until he reacts.

Her chances of receiving a response from him plummets as she keeping exerting more effort in seeking a reaction from him. He will in fact reciprocate with nothing, yes nothing. This will make the women realize she is ultimately communicating with herself, over and over again. To make things worse, he may only respond with one word, "ok". This is a sure-fire way to get the lady steaming.
Ladies, lay off the auto-dialer and breathe.

(Image Credit: Ydhsu, Daniel)

If you're doing all the work, why should he even bother? Right? Also live for yourself and not for your man. Men may come and go but a lady's dignity should remain intact at all times.

It is easier said than done so keep this mantra in mind, "I shall respect and honor myself at all times". Respect yourself-learn it, practice it and repeat it. When you do make contact, keep it short and sweet. When his senses are flooded with ten thoughts attacking him at once, it is inevitable he will stop responding to anything past the initial introduction. Tell him what he needs to know, not what you think he wants to know. Ladies, he needs a reason to touch base again, right?

A little mystery can go a long way.

Remember, hands off the auto-dialer and the texting...for now.

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Do Ultimatums in Dating Work?

"If you don't change your ways, I'm leaving".

Hmm..is that so? How often do two people who are dating for quiet some time, or perhaps longer, reach a point where one lover turns to the other stating "I'm done with this relationship." The one stating this is hoping the recipient of this message will flinch and beg their partner to reconsider their decision. It is quite too often that two people dating some how morph their interaction with one another into a 'conditional relationship'. A conditional relationship is similar to two people who like to keep score for how well they perform in a relationship by reciprocating favors to their partner. They are conditional in a sense where at least one of the partners involved in the relationship choose to remain in it if certain conditions are met.

For example, Tina is dating Mark for two years and all of a sudden Mark gets laid-off from work. We all are aware being laid-off from work is not fun, instead this life circumstance requires Mark to have the proper support system to move forward towards new opportunities while surviving without a steady income. Tina realizes Mark is in a vulnerable position. To make matters worse, Tina pressures Mark to find a job with an 'X' salary within three weeks or else Tina will choose to leave the relationship. Assuming we know both individuals live an independent lifestyle, one can assess Tina is already badgering her boyfriend with conditions (which she thinks) will improve and secure her relationship. In reality her conditions and ultimatum appear irrational for we all know Mark does not control the universe and divine timing. Other examples of conditional relationships can be contingent upon physical appearance of both partners, social status, lifestyle, personal beliefs and 'much much' more.

Ultimatums are a by-product of conditional relationships because they generally follow a typical manipulative relationship formula, "If you do x, then I'll do y". In the long run such relationships are extremely challenging to sustain since it encourages one partner to breed resentment towards the other. When two people start dating, it is convenient to overlook such behaviors while one is engrossed in excitement, although over time these charmless conditional requests are endangering to one's emotional and mental health. Such habitual treatment of a partner in a relationship creates an abusive relationship which also invites trouble to maintain a healthy relationship with one's self.

There are few circumstances where ultimatums may be needed because two people engaged in a relationship are not contributing fair amount of resources (time, energy, affection, etc.). In this scenario it is best to discuss the present state of the relationship, acknowledge what is lacking and ultimately decide if both partners decide to change their present condition. If so, great, get ready and moving because there is work to do. If not, both should part ways and move on.

There should be no compulsion in relationships or else they are destined to fail from day one.

One common example where ultimatums are present is when one partner is ready to leave if the other does not fore go an addiction problem. In such case one partner is battling a disease, which makes the addict's primary responsibility to seek treatment for 'themselves' not their partner. If the addict decides to seek rehab to make their partner happy, I'm 95% confident this addict will not recover while reverting to their old ways in only a matter of time. Some times it is not the act, but the intent behind the act that counts. Where as if the addict decides to check into rehab to make 'themselves' better for the sake of their well-being, then I'm convinced their partner's ultimatum will likely result to be a positive thing. This is rare.

Otherwise, a woman granting a man an ultimatum is basically holding the door open for him to walk out. Perhaps he was waiting for this moment where he can leave freely without encountering any qualms. It's pretty much laid out folks, "Do this or leave", or "If you don't do this, I'll leave". A smart person would let their partner leave because there is no need to put up with these shenanigans.

Remember-if one wants to stay in a relationship, nothing will make them leave. If one wants to leave, nothing will make them stay.

Be well, be safe and be blessed.  ;)