Be Careful What You Wish For

It’s that ideal job, ideal home or even perhaps that ideal relationship that one yearns for yet has no clue that there is no standard ideal in this world. If ladies are seeking a man with specific looks, income or lifestyle just remember that there is always a catch. The catch doesn’t become apparent in the short term yet instead it surfaces on its own in the long term. What is this catch? It can range from settling with the wrong partner for the wrong reasons to being with a partner hoping they will change. Folks, people cannot change other people. People may influence other people though heed that change can only transpire from within or else—one will be waiting forever to realize that we can only work miracles on ourselves. Majority of us have a checklist for meeting our ideal mates, where we’re made to believe that every box on the list needs to be marked off to immune oneself from relationship problems. Not so. If an individual finds a mate that meets 80% of the characteristics they are seeking in a date, it is considered a healthy sign to proceed exploring the relationship further with this match.

Be Careful What You Wish For
Credit: www.rupertwhite.co.uk

It is not possible for couples to relate to one another 100% as long as there are two separate minds situated in the same air space, there is apt to be difference in opinion which ultimately leads to some situational conflicts. Many couples perceive that conflict serves as a bad ingredient to a relationship but those who are smart to engage in conflict resolution can testify that 90% of the time it can only improve the state of the existing relationship. So how is the latter 20% accounted for when our prospect matches 80% of our checklist? It is the latter 20% that makes the relationship interesting from introducing the partners to different mindsets, lifestyles and challenges that nurture the dynamics of this evolving union. Is this 80/20 ratio valid for all couples? Not all the time. The ratio may vary in favor of the couple or it may not lead marriage counselors to believe that the 80/20 rule sets forth a healthy baseline from which a relationship can flourish. Among those couples that pass the 80/20 rule, these couples encountered less arguments yielding one down moment for every five positive moments spent together. It’s never too late to assess where one’s relationship stands so the proper measures can be implemented to move on forward with clarity leaving behind any remnants of uncertainty. Do you know where you stand?

Love Isn't Always a Walk in the Park

 "Sometimes we don't realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself -- if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me," she says. "I love myself enough to walk away from that now."-Jennifer Lopez in Vanity Fair

"If LOVE was red then she was color-blind..."

The Power of Energy

Every thought in our mind comprises of energy, a powerful source that drives our lifestyle for better or worse. It can be curious, anxious, positive, negative, and aggressive and many other forms of energy that permeate our environment communicating with the universe what we are seeking.    Although it is hard to believe, we can control our thoughts and filter what messages we want to share with the universe so the universe can work parallel to our desires.

Positive thoughts yield positive outcomes.
Negative thoughts yield not so favorable outcomes.
Anxiety, fear and worry delay the universe in responding to our needs because such emotions start resisting the energy that is working itself towards us.   Communicating with energy is a two way street: what we communicate is what we attract.  If you have encountered challenging dating experiences which led them to give up on seeking love, then chances are opportunities in your love life will slowly cease to exist. Time to time, I do have clients confess that they are tired of dating and they are content being alone. Out of this sample population, I believe 10% of those clients mean what they say.  Yes, happiness comes from within, where one should not rely on another human being to make them happy. To find balanced love, it is essential for the person seeking such asset to align their mindset with their desired outcomes.  

After all we plant the seeds of our thoughts in our mind, which ultimately manifest our subconscious desires.     People may interpret the term 'desires' in a positive connotation; to the contrary, one must realize that desires can be positive or negative.  For example, if a woman believes that she will never find love, then she will not find it.   Depending on how strong that specific belief resides within her, love will not easily find her.    Where as, if a man tells himself that his life partner exists in the universe, sooner or later his partner will appear before him. It is only a matter of time the universe delivers what we attract in our lives--this can be in our personal, social, professional and other facets of our lives.

How can one change their energy?   A minor adjustment can make a huge difference overtime.    How we perceive, interpret and react to our environment is a by product of energy that swirls around us when we are awake and sleeping.    As an exercise, you can keep a gratitude journal. If writing is not your forte, then before ending the day try to count three blessings from your day.  These blessings are three things that you are thankful for: it can be a small gesture as someone holding the door open for you to having your errands run smoothly.   Basically name three things or people that enlightened your day.  There are blessings to count even on a bad day when things may not 'appear' well yet in fact the universe may be trying to guide you into the right direction. Start from noting three blessings a day and work yourself up to acknowledging five a day. It is amazing how our outlook changes when we are self aware of the positive things that exist in our life.  

Soon you will realize that things that would irritate you automatically iron themselves out to serve you better.     Gratitude can bring more abundance into your life, because the universe is infinite in delivering our wishes.    It is human nature for us to demand things right here-right now due to living in a fast paced world that one may doubt the effectiveness of such exercises.   With consistency and positive intent one is capable of attracting the good in their life while retaining the residual benefits of their actions. Energy works just like karma; it never dies and keeps traveling in different forms ultimately delivering the universe's message to your door.

"Women are Thinkers"

Safety Tips for Online Dating

Finding a date in today's age can only take few seconds at a matter of a click. Compared to two decades ago, dating websites and dating services have increased exponentially to bring men and women together from all over the world.  Some of the websites are very specific in nature serving heterosexuals, homosexuals, people with specific hobbies, ethnicity and religion, business professionals, and the list continues. It is impossible to come across such sites and not be force fed that our lover and possibly soul mate is waiting to hear from us. It is an effective way of meeting people who are always preoccupied with work that they do not have time to invest in meeting people on regular basis. Below are few safety tips for online dating intended for both genders:

1. Be creative and HONEST when writing your dating profile. If possible use a recent picture of yourself that portrays your personality. For those who are shy, it is understandable why they may want to fore go posting a picture, though I would highly recommend a picture. A picture communicates to viewers that you are a real person who is approachable and is making an active effort to meeting like minded people. Usually profiles without a picture are overlooked regardless of the content because people need a visual stimuli to lure their interest onto YOU. A picture is worth a thousand words so post a picture that is classy and a natural shot. Also keep your profile short and sweet, no one is intending to read your life story. Leave such details to share over a possible date.

2. Just as dating on the streets, use COMMON SENSE when communicating with your potential partners. Do not disclose too much personal information on your profile, it is okay to share your first name if you choose but do leave a bit of mystery to your identity. Identity theft is one of the top five crimes in this country. So it is foolish to display where you work, your specific home address and material that will trace back to YOU other than your screen name. It does not take a rocket scientist to connect the dots and start using your personal information against you. Profiles with pictures receive much incoming mail, therefore use discretion when responding to these messages. You are not expected to respond to any if you choose not to, do not feel bad if certain messages are not answered. Also if there are any individuals disrespecting and harassing you online, you should be able to block them on the website. Only share your phone number when you feel comfortable and do keep in mind it is not unusual for some profiles to be fake. Yes, there are people out there who do not have much to do-sad but true.

3. This message is intended more so for the ladies: keep a buddy system. When you are ready to go out on a date, let a friend or contact know that you'll be out meeting someone. You do not have to share the details but most importantly you are letting another person know you are out and about busy meeting someone.  If it is a close friend, you can let them know where you are expecting to go.  Therefore as a safety mechanism, your buddy will be aware of your whereabouts and know that your date is going smoothly without any problems. Due to the advent of technology, it is common for people to chat more so than talk on the phone. Make sure you have spoken at least once with the individual you are planning to meet. It is comforting to know the person that you are communicating with has a voice other than a virtual presence.

4. Have an exit strategy. If a date is going not as expected and your partner appears to be belligerent or starts acting disrespectful, have a back up plan ready. YOU choose to stay or go in this situation. It is best to have the first date in a public location for safety purposes, in case anything happens you will be a familiar face that someone can recall. Also if you are granted an option to pick a place, take advantage of this as you decide which environment makes you feel comfortable and represents you the best.

5. Lastly if you choose to get intimate with any of your partners, remember to practice safe sex because you'll never know where they were the night before (or after). Contracting STDs from a random or an online date doesn't sound too hot to me (grinning).

Ooh, "She's a Man Eater"

The One that Got Away

There is no introduction needed for this topic since the first thought that pops into our minds upon reading the title is of a loved one who somehow slipped through our fingers and ultimately out of sight.   This someone was the special person in one's life that basically got away.   Chances are high the person who let them get away is still emotional over this reality and wondering where their beloved is today. A common question I receive is, “why would a person let a loved one get away”?   Well, the best way to discover the answer was by interviewing some men and women (10 men, 10 women) who acknowledged having a love in their life whom they had let 'get away'.   

Four out of ten men admitted they were emotionally immature while they were courting their special partner to even realize what was happening to them in their personal life.  Three men admitted being married to their careers while the latter three as well confessed to taking their partner for granted.    When asked if and how these men would have addressed this dilemma differently, seven men claimed to reconsider their decision to walk away from their partner, per se letting the 'one get away'.   The remaining three men felt that everything happens for a reason therefore there is no need to regret the past and its ramifications.    

When the women were asked the same questions, they appeared more reminiscent of their dating experiences.    Six out of ten women admitted they were ready to commit to their partner if their partner offered long-term commitment to them, while the latter four delivered different feedback.  Two women took responsibility for being overbearing that when they let their love 'get away' while they didn't want to complicate things further by asking for another chance.  Surprisingly, one women acknowledged she was not worthy of being granted a second chance.   Meanwhile the other two women felt that one cannot make their love stay if they were already determined to check out of the relationship. 

The interesting part of my conversation with these candidates verified one consistent theme--all of these candidates strongly believed they let a great person get away.  While one cannot control the universe,   twelve out of the twenty candidates were lucky to find love again.  This time these twelve members chose to work harder to sustain a relationship after acknowledging their short comings the first time around.  

This exercise makes one wonder how often does the universe grant people a second chance at love.   It all comes down to being open to new opportunities, wherever and whenever, more so with whomever.

Fortunate are those who receive second chances because second chances are not granted, they are earned. 

*Demographics of candidates for this study are the following: 10 men and 10 women between the ages of 34 and 52.  Prerequisite to qualify for survey: candidates have dated long-term (at least 12 months) and/or engaged in relationships for at least three years (36 months).

What Does 'Taking a Break' in Dating Mean?

During Christina and Paul's time together in their three-year relationship, both of them have encountered life's greatest moments along with relationship hurdles that both have successfully overcome. Acknowledging that this couple has weathered through the growing pains of developing a new relationship, it only seems practical for one to think that marriage may be around the corner. Friends of this couple envy Christina and Paul's chemistry together, their lifestyle and their comfort level around one another. What people do not know about this glamorous couple is that they are actually contemplating 'taking a break'? Excuse me, what? What does exactly 'taking a break mean'? Countless stories swirl around of couples that appear content that choose to take time apart from one another.

A hopeless romantic would ask themselves, "Can't Christina and Paul just take a few days apart, such as a vacation, if either one is yearning for physical and mental space?" A skeptic would probably think, "I knew something was up because their dating life appeared too good to be true." Of course the cynic would say, "Told you so," with their eyes rolling as this news is an everyday occurrence. Here are few possible reasons why some couples may consider taking a break:

* It is only natural that people evolve with time and experiences that one may want to reassess what they want in life. Spending time alone only reinforces their inner needs and wants.
* Some individuals become too dependent upon their partner that they need to reclaim their independence and identity.
* Life presents some insurmountable challenges within and outside the relationship that one must question what is a deal breaker in a relationship (finances, no marriage in sight, infidelity, addiction, etc.).
* Third parties (past lovers, new lovers, family) intruding into the couples' personal life starts taking its toll on the relationship where trust and values are in question.
* Basically taking a 'time out' of a relationship forces individuals to grow on their own rather than being associated under one character (morphing into one personality, one belief system, identity.)

Is 'taking a break' a new fad? Not really. It some cases 'taking a break' can save a relationship than the couple suddenly giving up on it. More so this break enables a couple from slowing down a relationship that is moving too fast since such relationships burn out fast due to lack of nurturing, which only comes with time. In other cases it is necessary to address any concerns existing in a relationship so the relationship can move accordingly forward or cease in time. It is up to the individual to decide how they will capitalize upon the time available; as well how to move forward with new realizations during their time apart from their partner.
What behaviors are permissible while 'taking a break'? This is to be addressed by the couple who decides to take time apart whether it is intended to be temporary or meant to be permanent. Some couples explicitly state that they do not want their partner dating others or engaging in romantic liaisons, making major life decisions without the partner's input, interacting with the partner's family and more. To the contrary, there are couples that abruptly decide to take a break thus yielding a very ambiguous situation where the partners have not addressed what are the relationship deal breakers while spending time apart.

Overall taking a break encourages a couple to reassess themselves, their relationship and life overall.

* Warning: Think twice before taking a break because some people may never return from this break!

A New Season Brings Changes Around the Corner

Click and Redeem:  MAY 13-31 SPECIAL: Love & Energy Reading 10 MIN for $5

Do Ultimatums in Dating Work?

"If you don't change your ways, I'm leaving".

Hmm..is that so? How often do two people who are dating for quiet some time, or perhaps longer, reach a point where one lover turns to the other stating "I'm done with this relationship." The one stating this is hoping the recipient of this message will flinch and beg their partner to reconsider their decision. It is quite too often that two people dating some how morph their interaction with one another into a 'conditional relationship'. A conditional relationship is similar to two people who like to keep score for how well they perform in a relationship by reciprocating favors to their partner. They are conditional in a sense where at least one of the partners involved in the relationship choose to remain in it if certain conditions are met.

For example, Tina is dating Mark for two years and all of a sudden Mark gets laid-off from work. We all are aware being laid-off from work is not fun, instead this life circumstance requires Mark to have the proper support system to move forward towards new opportunities while surviving without a steady income. Tina realizes Mark is in a vulnerable position. To make matters worse, Tina pressures Mark to find a job with an 'X' salary within three weeks or else Tina will choose to leave the relationship. Assuming we know both individuals live an independent lifestyle, one can assess Tina is already badgering her boyfriend with conditions (which she thinks) will improve and secure her relationship. In reality her conditions and ultimatum appear irrational for we all know Mark does not control the universe and divine timing. Other examples of conditional relationships can be contingent upon physical appearance of both partners, social status, lifestyle, personal beliefs and 'much much' more.

Ultimatums are a by-product of conditional relationships because they generally follow a typical manipulative relationship formula, "If you do x, then I'll do y". In the long run such relationships are extremely challenging to sustain since it encourages one partner to breed resentment towards the other. When two people start dating, it is convenient to overlook such behaviors while one is engrossed in excitement, although over time these charmless conditional requests are endangering to one's emotional and mental health. Such habitual treatment of a partner in a relationship creates an abusive relationship which also invites trouble to maintain a healthy relationship with one's self.

There are few circumstances where ultimatums may be needed because two people engaged in a relationship are not contributing fair amount of resources (time, energy, affection, etc.). In this scenario it is best to discuss the present state of the relationship, acknowledge what is lacking and ultimately decide if both partners decide to change their present condition. If so, great, get ready and moving because there is work to do. If not, both should part ways and move on.

There should be no compulsion in relationships or else they are destined to fail from day one.

One common example where ultimatums are present is when one partner is ready to leave if the other does not fore go an addiction problem. In such case one partner is battling a disease, which makes the addict's primary responsibility to seek treatment for 'themselves' not their partner. If the addict decides to seek rehab to make their partner happy, I'm 95% confident this addict will not recover while reverting to their old ways in only a matter of time. Some times it is not the act, but the intent behind the act that counts. Where as if the addict decides to check into rehab to make 'themselves' better for the sake of their well-being, then I'm convinced their partner's ultimatum will likely result to be a positive thing. This is rare.

Otherwise, a woman granting a man an ultimatum is basically holding the door open for him to walk out. Perhaps he was waiting for this moment where he can leave freely without encountering any qualms. It's pretty much laid out folks, "Do this or leave", or "If you don't do this, I'll leave". A smart person would let their partner leave because there is no need to put up with these shenanigans.

Remember-if one wants to stay in a relationship, nothing will make them leave. If one wants to leave, nothing will make them stay.

Be well, be safe and be blessed.  ;)