Friday, May 13, 2011

Do Ultimatums in Dating Work?

"If you don't change your ways, I'm leaving". that so? How often do two people who are dating for quiet some time, or perhaps longer, reach a point where one lover turns to the other stating "I'm done with this relationship." The one stating this is hoping the recipient of this message will flinch and beg their partner to reconsider their decision. It is quite too often that two people dating some how morph their interaction with one another into a 'conditional relationship'. A conditional relationship is similar to two people who like to keep score for how well they perform in a relationship by reciprocating favors to their partner. They are conditional in a sense where at least one of the partners involved in the relationship choose to remain in it if certain conditions are met.
For example, Tina is dating Mark for two years and all of a sudden Mark gets laid-off from work. We all are aware being laid-off from work is not fun, instead this life circumstance requires Mark to have the proper support system to move forward towards new opportunities while surviving without a steady income. Tina realizes Mark is in a vulnerable position. To make matters worse, Tina pressures Mark to find a job with an 'X' salary within three weeks or else Tina will choose to leave the relationship. Assuming we know both individuals live an independent lifestyle, one can assess Tina is already badgering her boyfriend with conditions (which she thinks) will improve and secure her relationship. In reality her conditions and ultimatum appear irrational for we all know Mark does not control the universe and divine timing. Other examples of conditional relationships can be contingent upon physical appearance of both partners, social status, lifestyle, personal beliefs and 'much much' more.
Ultimatums are a by-product of conditional relationships because they generally follow a typical manipulative relationship formula, "If you do x, then I'll do y". In the long run such relationships are extremely challenging to sustain since it encourages one partner to breed resentment towards the other. When two people start dating, it is convenient to overlook such behaviors while one is engrossed in excitement, although over time these charmless conditional requests are endangering to one's emotional and mental health. Such habitual treatment of a partner in a relationship creates an abusive relationship which also invites trouble to maintain a healthy relationship with one's self.
There are few circumstances where ultimatums may be needed because two people engaged in a relationship are not contributing fair amount of resources (time, energy, affection, etc.). In this scenario it is best to discuss the present state of the relationship, acknowledge what is lacking and ultimately decide if both partners decide to change their present condition. If so, great, get ready and moving because there is work to do. If not, both should part ways and move on.
There should be no compulsion in relationships or else they are destined to fail from day one.
One common example where ultimatums are present is when one partner is ready to leave if the other does not fore go an addiction problem. In such case one partner is battling a disease, which makes the addict's primary responsibility to seek treatment for 'themselves' not their partner. If the addict decides to seek rehab to make their partner happy, I'm 95% confident this addict will not recover while reverting to their old ways in only a matter of time. Some times it is not the act, but the intent behind the act that counts. Where as if the addict decides to check into rehab to make 'themselves' better for the sake of their well-being, then I'm convinced their partner's ultimatum will likely result to be a positive thing. This is rare.
Otherwise, a woman granting a man an ultimatum is basically holding the door open for him to walk out. Perhaps he was waiting for this moment where he can leave freely without encountering any qualms. It's pretty much laid out folks, "Do this or leave", or "If you don't do this, I'll leave". A smart person would let their partner leave because there is no need to put up with these shenanigans.
Remember-if one wants to stay in a relationship, nothing will make them leave. If one wants to leave, nothing will make them stay.
Be well, be safe and be blessed.  ;)

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