His Family’s Affect on Your Marriage

We live in a fast paced world where either we are chasing someone or are being chased. Well today’s tit-for-tat is dedicated to those that have been captured and are married—happily— or is it so?   It's not unusual when we cross paths with loving couples that we wonder if these  two individuals bide well with their in-laws.   Dating the right partner for us can be an exciting experience if the individual wants this relationship to manifest into marriage over time. Not only is the woman dating the man because she feels he enriches her life; as well  she is dating his family to some degree too (if you really think about it).    She may be marrying the guy though in theory she is adopting a whole new family into her life whether she acknowledges it or not, ultimately yielding a challenge for her if the family is not as loving as her hubby.    Marriage is basically a ‘buy one get one free deal’ where the woman is not only engaging in a relationship with her man yet also his family. Depending on how well he gets along with his family and his relatives, it is predictable to encounter a difference in opinions during the life of the marriage.
Some in-laws are very welcoming while others can be intrusive enough to make one reconsider why they even got married in the first place. If the woman’s in-laws are already running her husband’s life now, it will only get worse with time.    After all the woman may have her own way of creating a home and raising a family; to the contrary the in-laws may think their lifestyle supersedes everyone else thus creating rifts among the couple’s marriage.     Not everyone acknowledges boundaries of personal space, privacy and foremost life transitions.   Most families have characters that can make one’s mind spin from the crazy uncle to the sibling that makes the news for raising havoc.  Marriage is not a haven for perfection yet it can become overwhelming when third parties, especially families—or his family particularly, begin to engage in making conjugal life decisions on behalf of the couple.  

His family may not be a problem but his family’s affect on him is a cause of concern.  

If his family is drama prone, stress will ultimately transfuse into the marriage where the wife is an involuntary bystander trying to alleviate his burden or distance him from his relatives.  He cannot use his parents or his father particularly as a reason to defer making life decisions on his own.   If anyone is using money or emotional manipulation to control the hubby, hubby is smart enough to know his parents are going to die anyway--fake lingering heart problems or not.  Only a weak man uses his father as an excuse to avoid any emotional or social responsibility.  The wife is not to blame for his family's behaviors, likewise it is not her job to put out the fires that are caused by other people.

Inquiring minds would like to know, "Is your guy MAN enough to take a stand?".

"Man Up Buddy"
Courtesy of J. Whiteway

Prisoner's Dilemma in Relationships

Among all relationships, there comes a time when two people come to a standstill because there are stuck in a 'prisoner's dilemma'. The prisoner's dilemma in love is depicted in a scenario where it's best for both partners to agree in order to avoid confrontation that leads to further discord in the relationship. If one partner is open to negotiating and disclosing their confession (reservations one may have in the relationship), this brave partner has better chances of avoiding future relationship conflict without feeling imprisoned to tolerate their partner's behavior. Likewise, the other partner in the relationship has a similar option to confess thus alleviating the tension within the relationship.
So why is it that neither partner will come clean with one another regarding the state of their relationship? If the lady is intending to confess but she chooses not to, this is because she isn't sure that the man will follow her lead to confess too.

Courtesy of Paul GoodChild, Life in Balance

The lovers may reason that they should not confess because if they do--their partner will not confess if granted a second opportunity. This reasoning isn't quite logical because for every opportunity that is presented to each partner to confess, the stakes are higher as the benefits of confessing increase yet so does the punishment that will keep continue undermining the harmonious state of their relationship. Overall these lovers will either engage in cooperative or non cooperative bargaining. If they engage in cooperation, at least one of them believes in the betterment for all by cutting their losses short and moving on. It is possible that one may engage in noncooperation, where this lover is bidding their time by acting selfish in the relationship to serve their own interests. It cannot be generalized that women are more prone to cooperating in dating and relationship conflict versus their counterparts who are possibly holding back in order to win such "power wars". In such non cooperative instances, one acknowledges how intelligent these lovers are while learning how far they will go to achieve their own goals.
Prisoner's dilemma has been around for decades where peoples' intent and motives are tested to address societal norms from a local and global perspective. If one is faced with similar dilemmas in greater frequencies, it is possible that over time both partners will cooperate for the right reason. This theory also analyzes the disparity that addresses why one may 'intend' to do one thing yet result participating in another act. Please note the term 'confessions' in this message is applied to address reservations that surface within romantic relationships, it is not relayed in the form of a negative connotation. Ms. Wake Up is not encouraging her audience to play games in their love lives; instead she wants her audience to realize that sooner or later in all relationships---communication--is a must. In relationships both partners must acknowledge telepathy is not valid, one must voice their needs and concerns in order to move past them. Now if one partner is guarded to acknowledge his or her reality, perhaps it is time to move on.  Ms. Wake Up knows there are some lovers who will only engage in non cooperative bargaining, apparently that has lead those lovers to the destination of n-o-w-h-e-r-e.


If one is not up for playing rounds of prisoner's dilemma, it is better to either come clean or just move on in love. If the mutual respect is not there, what makes one think that waiting a bit longer will change that? First impressions are the last impression in love. What you see is what you get. If a man or woman tells you upfront what they are seeking with you but refuse to invest their efforts, let them go--a relationship that starts with a lie always ends with the truth.
Avoiding reality and a modest dialogue with a partner itself is an act relaying "I don't want anything to do with you."
Now, are YOU ready to confess?

Dating a Sex Addict

Here's a story about an unidentified man who claimed that he loved sex and he 'could not live without it'. His former partner claimed that if he loved sex enough it would show through his actions, attitude and demeanor during the actual act. After studying the man's history it was apparent he battled two addictions which were alcohol and cocaine. While listening to the man's stories, especially about his sexual history with women, it became apparent that he was using sex similarly like alcohol to numb and void an intangible pain that resides within him. Some of his sexual partners recognized his romantic liaisons to be lacking substance, which meant a portion of the women would not even consider him for a one night stand 'if' they had known better. It was disclosed over a period of time that this man was only able to hold down one relationship over his lifetime, which is a bit disconcerting since this man is middle aged and that particular relationship was only short lived. It is not sex that determines the overall long life of a relationship though it does play a monumental role for building and sustaining a relationship. Is it possible that he sabotaged his own relationship to the point where his partner was driven to seek sexual satisfaction from elsewhere? Sex contributes to a person's mental, emotional and physiological well being. It was his lack of mental, emotional and physical presence that drove his partner into the arms of someone else who conveniently rescued her not only in bed but also in life.

A man who's a sex addict will get a high off by engaging in sex with anyone. His selective filtering mechanisms for finding a good looking partner and a decent soul are low. He's not thinking in terms of survival of the fittest, he's only thinking in terms of his immediate survival needs. He needs his quick fix, it doesn't matter if he's in a committed relationship with someone or not. This addiction lurks within him and challenges him to go seek his excitement that distracts him from his problems. He's not too fixated on creativity while performing sex, he's more fixated on reaching HIS height of euphoria. Every time he has sex, he may think he's approaching salvation yet this euphoria will last from few seconds to an hour or two. Sex addicts do not weigh their risks if they are hurting anyone around them, they are on a mission where they will not walk away dissatisfied. Safe sex is not a priority for them and in most cases they are at VERY high risk for STDs due to their random liaisons compared to other sexually active men. These risk takers believe they reach a state of immunity from contracting these sexually transmitted diseases because the symptoms of the illness would have surfaced by now. A handful of STDs remain dormant for quite a while before they start encompassing the person's reproductive system and overall health. From my observation, most sex addicts have other addictions that complement their erratic behavior. The man in this case was using alcohol, marijuana and cocaine to escape his realities, which were not disappearing unless he dealt with his trailing demons while sober.

To the contrary, a man that loves sex will make an effort to screen his partners. This man will not only seek satisfaction for himself, he will be cognizant to fulfill his sexual partner's needs as well. Women claim these men are better at sex and the men's mental focus is active not passive. If there is any hesitation or reluctance from his partner to engage in sexual activities, he will not run off leaving skid marks for another high risk partner. He is more patient than a sex addict, perhaps due to the man's healthy awareness of his sexuality. His sexuality does not dominate his other aspects of his life, where his family and professional life start to suffer. A sex crazed man will use sex as a recreational activity instead as a panacea to address his unresolved life issues. Sex is a recommended stress reliever for men and women as it improves the emotional health of both genders along with other benefits. Both types of men described here want to seek pleasure yet both of them perceive sex and react to it differently.

Any form of addiction has an underlying cause that triggers certain thoughts and behaviors within a suffering person. Addiction is a symptom of a greater problem. It is best they seek guidance through a loved one or a professional therapist who can provide tools to overcome such mental and behavioral problems. It is not the act(s) that raise red flags among addicts, more so one needs to learn and understand why they choose to participate in such self-destructive habits.

Ten Red Flags Women Should Recognize When Dating Men

1. He has addictions. These addictions can be some of the following: alcohol, medical drugs, recreational drugs, sex, gambling and many other habits that lead to self destruction. If he's been to rehab and he still flirts around with his vices, it is time to consider an exit strategy for the relationship to end. Usually women become too involved with a man to learn later in time that he has a strong addiction that tends to dominate their relationship. Soon these woman start fighting the consequences of their partner's addictions themselves.

In essence, the woman becomes an addict like her partner while fighting his battle which makes it harder for her to break free from this toxic relationship and environment. Partners that act as bystanders in these relationships require more help in theory than their struggling partner. It is a cyclical relationship with invisible chains that bind this couple together and soon both of their lives spiral downwards before resulting in a tragedy.

2. He lives with regrets. A man that usually speaks more about the past than the present is definitely a person who is not living in the NOW. He "could have, should have" but "didn't" act upon his life goals, is now basing his life circumstances by replaying his past than actually making changes to his present condition. If this behavior persists for too long, he indirectly is letting the woman know that he may unintentionally start forming regrets in the relationships too. Those who form regrets either do not invest 100% of their time and energy to achieve their goals, knowingly pass up rare life opportunities, are afraid to take risks, and foremost are afraid of failure.

3. He acknowledges that he hasn't lived up to his potential. This variable is a bit different than #2 because a person can live without regrets yet still not fulfill their life potential. Here the man chooses to engage in certain endeavors, only he knows when he's not performing at his potential and he is OK with it. He may accept dating a specific woman as a privilege though he still doesn't live up to his best characteristics of being a caring partner.

4. He has resigned his life decisions to his mother's judgment. Boys turn to their mothers for guidance, MEN should reflect within themselves for guidance before seeking it from his confidantes. Regardless of race, culture or religion, it is inevitable to come across men who lack the brain power to take responsibility for their lives. If the men are too passive, their mothers will make a cameo appearance and invite themselves to stay as long as they like. I assure you if women do not address such matters before seriously committing to such a guy, "Mama" will be hovering around every aspect of your relationship. A full grown mature man should appreciate his Mama's presence although he should not let her run the show. Women have zero tolerance for such mamas who dominate their personal relationships by emotionally manipulating the man's character to the point where the man starts pulling away from the woman. If Mama's calling the shots now, no matter how great the guy is, I would recommend leaving this suffocating relationship if no party addresses this conflict.

5. He speaks ill of women that have dated and lived a conjugal lifestyle with him. This goes from disclosing these women's personal histories, sexual preferences and their human faults. Gossiping represents bad manners but more so HIS gossiping is detrimental to these ladies and an insight that he'll be bashing you to his friends only in a matter of time. If he doesn't know you well and starts harping about other women in bed, you're another statistic in HIS book. Any man that kisses and tells is a man NOT to be taken seriously. This type of man should be discarded immediately because he'll only contribute to your life as toxic waste. He's not the type to build a future with nor is he the type to even keep around as a past time. A woman of self respect will flush him away the moment his lack of manners become apparent when dating him.

6. Leopards don't change their spots. Stop volunteering for fixing people's characters and their problems. People can only change themselves. People choose to be happy, prosperous and committed in life. If they choose to be unhappy, it is their responsibility to change their condition or else to continue facing a life filled of poor judgments.

7. He's Okay Being Treated Like a Door Mat. If his family, friends and strangers treat him less than acceptable and he continues engaging in these relationships, he may have a history of mental and emotional abuse. Such abuse makes an individual think they are not worthy of respect thus affecting their own self-respect and self-esteem. If he doesn't find anything wrong with such treatment, it is possible he may think 'going with the flow' will mitigate these unfavorable circumstances. Such scenarios of abusive relationships only enhance problems within one's mental, emotional and physical health. He may not project such inferiority complexes towards you or voice them, yet these elements do contribute to sabotaging a new relationship.

8. He has a history of dating cheaters and he is OK with it. All REAL men that I know would not stand for a cheater regardless of whether they were a victim or a bystander watching a loved one suffer from such behavior. A man that dates exclusively (even if it's for fun and there is no marriage waiting at the end) would not stand for this type of behavior. Men who usually accept a cheating partner are either cheating themselves, have no self-esteem, justify their partner's cheating as their fault (complete nonsense!), or live with the fear they will not find a better partner again. Yes, it's true and impossible for some to believe that people may stick around a cheating partner because someone better may not come along or for the fear of being alone.

9. He's too susceptible to his family and friend's guidance. It's one thing to seek guidance and actually heed it. If he doesn't apply his own judgment when making life decisions, you're basically dating an indecisive man. If he's seeking everyone's' validation around him for making life decisions, the last thing a woman wants is third parties intruding in her personal relationship. A man should be a gentleman, not 'act' like a gentleman. He should apply discretion when needed; as well he shouldn't blindly follow advice from people who lack credibility.

10. He displays inconsistency in contact, speech and actions. If he doesn't keep his word for the small things, do not expect him to perform miracles while dating him or being in an exclusive relationship with him. Remember what you see now is what you will also get later.